Merlin The Happy Pig
by Cybil Kitty
Summary: Merlin is attacked by a witch who's spell doesn't go as planned.


_**Cybil Kitty**_- What's this? A fanfiction when I should be updating my others? Whoops. I was watching Blackadder the other night and was viciously attacked by a plot bunny that has since then has moved in with me and hasn't left me alone so I had to write this. Anyway this was inspired by the scene in Blackadder when Queenie says the last time Blackadder was drunk he was found wandering around naked singing 'I'm Merlin the happy pig' so I simply had to write something about it, and there is two other quotes from that episode I hope people will recognise in this chapter ;) I hope this will be finished in two or perhaps three chapters, so anyway enjoy and do let me know what you lovely people think of my first Merlin fanfiction!

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"So Percy, who was that young beauty you were talking to after practice today?" Gwaine asked, throwing a leering smirk along the table to where Percival sat a few seats down, the younger knight choked into his cup of mead causing a round of laughter from the other men.

Percival, avoided Gwaine's eyes as he answered quickly "Mary, her father sells herbs in the market"

"I know Mary, we sometimes go foraging in the forest together" Merlin piped up at hearing his friend's name, Mary had taught him where many of the herbs he often collected for Gaius could be found over the years since becoming the physician's apprentice.

"Oh Percy! It sounds like you have a rival for the maiden's heart!" Gwaine cried out, following by another round of laughter from the knights.

"Oh please, if it's between Merlin and you Percival I think you have hardly anything to fear, Merlin couldn't charm his way into any maiden's heart" Arthur spoke up, shooting a withering look to where his manservant was sitting to his side with Lancelot in between them.

"Or her skirts!" Gwaine roared out in hysterics, Elyan next to him almost losing his drink in a fit of glee.

"I have!" Merlin cried out indignantly, at this the laughter calmed down with only the few chuckles coming from the table and giggles from a mischievous Gwaine.

"Really?" Arthur raised an eyebrow unbelieving. "Well go on, who is she?"

"Well there's been a few-" Merlin began with a thoughtful yet determined expression.

"You lair" Arthur dismissed him and took a large swig from his cup.

Merlin glared at him in reply "No, there was Ethel back in Ealdor, one year after the harvest and we had both had far too much ale, and then there was Synne, I was going out to fetch some wood for the fire and she practically dragged me into the forest"

"You randy sod!" Gwaine exclaimed and then fell into a fresh round of giggles at Merlin's innocent smile and shrug.

Arthur had been watching with surprise but then covered it "I do hope you didn't burden those poor girls with children, the last thing the kingdom needs is a number of small Merlins running about"

"I think Merlin would make beautiful babies" Gwaine stated merrily, reaching across the table to pat Merlin's hand "Lots of beautiful babies with creamy pale skin and silky dark hair and pretty blue eyes" at this there was another uproar from the knights and Merlin himself smiled good naturedly at his friend and took a large gulp from his cup and finished the drink in one go.

"Well I suppose it isn't a surprise he could get that close to girls, he already practically is one" Arthur sighed, resting his chin in his palm against the wood of the table.

Merlin gave his master a glare "Clotpole" he muttered and consider whether it would be a good idea to throw his empty cup at him.

"Don't be mean to my Merlin" Gwaine cut in, still lovingly caressing the servant's hand "We would have beautiful babies" he was obviously becoming quite drunk by the way he was beginning to slump down on the table, clasping his friend's hand in between his own.

"Gwaine stop trying to bugger Merlin" Lancelot said as he unhooked the drunken man's hands from the prince's manservant's sleeve where he had been attempting to pull him closer.

Gwaine looked insulted at this "I wasn't, I wouldn't do that to my Merlin" he whined as he tried to touch Merlin again.

"You were clearly thinking about it" Leon spoke up from the end of the table, eyeing the knight warily.

Arthur decided it was time for his input as he watched Gwaine not only grab a hold of his manservant's hand but then reach over and clasp hiss shoulder "Merlin don't you think it's time you went home? You wouldn't want to worry Gaius and besides, I want you up bright and early for your chores in the morning"

Merlin would want to disagree with him and stay with his friends for a little longer however he was aware that he was more than a little bit drunk himself and Gaius, although most likely already asleep by now did like to know that Merlin had come home at a decent time and was safe, so he bid them goodnight and got up from the table and headed for the door.

"Arthur the devil farts in my face once again" he heard Gwaine mutter as he left the tavern and step out into the chilly and dark street of the town.

He was halfway back to the castle when a figure leapt like a cat with rabies out from an alley at him "It's you!" the figure who was apparently female screeched at him and he staggered backwards trying to regain his balance which he was too unsteady and tipsy to and so landed on his backside.

"Yes it's me, who are you?" he yelped from the ground as he stared up in confusion at the mad person who had just thrown herself at him, she was a small thing with wild red hair and a tattered dress. She must have been no older than sixteen yet the tiny girl held herself with an arrogance that could match the prince.

"I am Primrose" she stated as if her name should be recognised and worshipped as she stood with her thin hands on her hips.

"Nice to meet you Primrose, I'm Merlin and please don't jump at me again" he said as he forced himself to his feet and eyed her cautiously.

"I know who you are, and I know what you're doing" she sniffed glaring at him "How dare you help that monster prince Arthur and his evil father, you have magic yet you help them slaughter you own kin! Well I'm here to put a stop to that!" she growled, her girlish fae like features turning hateful and a delicate finger pointed accusingly at him.

Merlin was silent for a moment as he stared blankly at her, then his head tilted to the side in confusion. "So you're saying you're here to kill me?" he questioned, the idea of this actually happening seemed so strange to him, and unless she was hiding some sort of incredible magic inside that tiny body he didn't quite believe that she was up for the job.

"That's right! I'm here to make sure you don't stop anymore plans to kill the murderous king and his pathetic son, and then with you gone magic will take over Camelot!" the girl exclaimed.

Merlin swayed a little before replying "I see, good luck with that evil plan of yours, I'm off home to bed. Goodnight Primrose" he went to continue on when she stepped directly in his path.

"Don't you dare underestimate me! I will kill you where you stand!" and to make good on her promise she raised her hand with hatred on her face "Bryne!" her eyes glowed a brilliant gold but only smoke and a few sad little sparks appeared, Merlin had extended his own hand to try to block the spell and let it fall back to his side with a triumphant smirk as her spell failed. "Bryne!" she cried again but as before nothing really happened, no flames, no intense heat and no Merlin on the ground burning to death.

"Well this has been fun but I really think I should be going, maybe you should leave before you get yourself arrested for your little spark trick" Merlin moved around her and walked further down the street knowing she was no real threat to Arthur or Camelot, she was probably more dangerous to her own welfare than to anyone else.

He was a good distance when she called out "Sliehtswín!" Merlin turned around just in time to see the green burst of twinkling light before it hit him squarely in the chest and knocked him over backwards. For a moment nothing seemed to happen then sharp warmth pulsed throughout his entire body from where it had made contact with his skin.

"What did you do?" he cried as the feeling grew and became painful and his skin started to tingle unpleasantly all over.

Primrose herself seemed rather unsure but she held her head high "Killed you that's what!" she proclaimed, grinning happily as he gripped at his chest in pain and he began to breath in laboured pants. "You'll be dead any minute now! I beat you! I Primrose defeated the all-powerful Merlin! Yay!" she jumped in the air and gave a little twirl in joy then skipped over and leaned over him. "It was lovely to meet you before you die but don't worry your precious little prince will follow you shortly, bye bye Merlin" she giggled before promptly skipping away and out of sight.

'Well this sucks, surviving battles with dragons, monsters and powerful sorcerers just to be killed by a little girl who can't even master a simple fire spell, I hope Killgarah doesn't find out about this, he'll think it's hilarious' Merlin thought miserably as the pain grew to intensive levels. He tried to move, to get up and find help but every time he did it only caused more and more pain. He raised a hand to press against his chest and caught sight of it, only it wasn't his hand, it was a hoof, he screeched in shock and raised his other to find an identical cloven hoof there at his wrist, as if it was mocking him with its presence. What had that mad little witch done?

He tried to move his toes in his boots and when he couldn't feel them at all he gave a little whine of fear knowing the same had happened to them. He was staring with wide eyes at his newly acquired hooves when he heard it, the loud drunken singing.

"See the little goblin, see his little feet and his little nosey-wose, isn't the goblin sweet?" Gwaine's loud and unhindered voice boomed out, Merlin looked towards the noise and could make out the shapes of two people staggering towards him, one being propped up by the other.

"Don't you think that's enough? It's defiantly time to get you to bed" a voice he recognised as Lancelot asked in a much quieter tone.

"Look, do you want to hear about this goblin or not?" Gwaine snapped back "Hey look! It's Merlin! Hello Merlin! How you doing mate?" he called out cheerfully.

Lancelot was far more concerned than the drunken Gwaine to find his friend lying in the empty street alone in the dark of the night. "Are you hurt? What happened?" he asked as they moved closer and then his brown eyes widened in complete shock. "Merlin! Your ears!" he exclaimed in alarm. Merlin raised his hoof to nudge at his ear to feel a huge pig ear sticking out at the side of his head, he cried out and pressed his hooves to cover his ears.

"Merlin what's happening to you?" Lancelot demanded, leaving Gwaine to stand by himself and kneeling down in front of his friend, taking his hooves into his hands and pulling him into a sitting position to examine him further.

"Merlin, your tail is adorable" Gwaine hiccupped and smiled as if nothing was wrong and chuckling to himself as if he had heard a good joke. At this both Merlin and Lancelot looked over the young warlock's shoulder to see a little curly tail poking out from above his trousers. It was then when the world seemed to swirl horribly and Merlin lost consciousness.


End file.
